The Palm-Wine Shuffle
GOOD AFTERNOON, MY FRIEND! You have bought the record. You have bought the chart. You are a person of excellent judgement and I salute you with both hands.
I am Professor Kwabena “Sweetfoot” Adjetey-Mensah, bandleader, trumpet enthusiast, and — since the first of this month — Dance Master. I invented this dance. I wrote every word on this paper. I drew the feet. (The printer drew the arrows. They are very good arrows.)
Eight bars. Sixteen footprints. One cheeky hip-check. One calabash you cannot see. One spin at the end that you will practise in the corridor. By nine o’clock tonight you will be magnificent.
PRICE 6d · comes rolled with the record
Unfold this chart one panel at a time, like a civilised person. Then lay it on the floor and WALK it.
The Floor Plan
Solid feet: Gentlemen. Outlined feet: Ladies (you are facing him, so everything is in the mirror — I have faith in you). Follow the gentlemen’s prints with the arrow keys ← → ↑ ↓, or tap the print that is shining.
The Basic Step & the Turn
Count it with me, out loud, I do not care who is listening at the counter.
- Gentlemen! LEFT foot FORWARD — one! Right foot forward — two! Left foot to the SIDE — three! Close the right — four! Ladies, you are doing all of this backwards and in heels, so you are already the better dancer.
- Left forward — five! Right foot OUT — six! Close the left and give your partner the HIP-CHECK — SEVEN! A little bump. A wink with the hips. Then step the right foot back and — EIGHT — the CALABASH FREEZE.
- And off we go again! Left forward — one! Right — two! Cross the left over to the right — three! (See the ERRATUM. I will speak to the printer.) Right foot round, the turn begins — four!
- Keep turning — five, six! Now the SPIN — seven! — and plant it — EIGHT, TA-DA! Did you fall over? Wonderful! Falling over is the second lesson!
The Calabash Freeze
On count EIGHT of the fourth bar, the gentleman stops dead, straightens his back and balances an invisible calabash of palm-wine on his head. He holds it for the whole of the trumpet riff. The lady looks at him as if to say, “Don’t you dare spill it.” That is the name of the song. That is the whole joke. It is a very good joke.
ANYBODY who does the calabash freeze on beat 6 will be asked to sit down.
Three Variations for Show-Offs
1. The Double Calabash. Gentleman, on the next “one”, hand the calabash to the lady. Ladies, balance it. If either of you drops an invisible calabash, apologise to the floor.
2. The Trumpet Point. When the trumpets go ta-DAH!, point at them. Mr. Ofori and Mr. Badu are the finest trumpet section on any roof in this city. They can hold a note longer than a queue at the post office. They deserve your finger.
3. The Corridor Spin. Make the final spin a double. Most couples will need to practise in the corridor first. I have spoken to the hotel. The corridor is AVAILABLE.
If Your Partner Is Taller Than You
Gentlemen whose lady is taller: rejoice! Her calabash sits higher than yours and you simply look up at it with admiration, which is correct. Ladies whose gentleman is taller: on the spin he raises his arm higher. That is HIS job. Do not stand on a chair.
A Stern Note About the Cables
The band’s cables run along the front of the stage. They belong to the amplifier. The amplifier belongs to me. It cost more than your shoes. Shuffle AROUND them. Anybody found shuffling ON them will be walked to the punch bowl and made to stand beside it until the interval.
Trouble With Your Feet?
- My feet go one way and the music goes the other.
- Wonderful! That means you can HEAR the music. Press PRACTISE SLOWLY and the band will play at half speed. They will grumble. They are paid.
- I have no partner yet.
- Dance with the chart! It is an excellent listener and it will never step on your shoes. By tonight, believe me, somebody will ask.
- My hip-check knocked my partner into the next couple.
- Then you have met two more people! But gentler, please. It is a greeting, not an argument about change.
- Step 11 is pointing the wrong way!
- There is an ERRATUM slip pasted over it. It is correct. Do NOT pick at the corner.
- What speed is my gramophone?
- This is a 45, my friend. But if your auntie’s machine only does 33, set the switch to 33 and dance like a very relaxed person. I allow it.
- Is the trumpet riff the same every time?
- Every second bar, two notes, exactly. If you hear three, that is Mr. Badu showing off and I will speak to him.
Get Stamped!
Walk all sixteen prints on the beat — not one scuff — and I will stamp this coupon personally, with my own rubber stamp, which I bought specially.
Post this coupon with 6d in stamps to SWEETFOOT DANCE CHARTS, P.O. Box 1170, Accra and receive by return CHART No. 2 — THE GROUNDNUT GLIDE, with two-colour arrows and a full diagram of the elbows.
Sweetfoot & his Calabash Kings — with the trumpets.
Bring this chart. Bring your feet.