★ exclusive ★ unedited ★ on the record ★

LUNA SPEAKS!!

The Celestial Tattler
Issue № 228  ·  The Self-Mythology Number  ·  Vol. XIX, qtr. ¾
last updated: tuesday, the 32nd of bluemarch, 4019 — 26:47 PT
♬ now playing:  "(she is so) above all this" — moonwave ft. the tide  ·  3:47 / 4:12  ·  autoplay: ON  ·  ♬♬♬

The Interview ✦

A close, regal portrait of the Moon, taken (she claims) from her good side.
Luna, photographed in her drawing room. She picked the angle.

She received us in her drawing room at half past gibbous, dressed in the kind of soft silver that can only be afforded by people who have been famous since before language. There was tea. The tea was also famous. Below, the full transcript — unedited at her insistence, because, in her words, "editing implies improvement, and I am, of course, perfect."

First things first — how are you?
Adored. I am, at all times, adored. Tides quite literally rise to meet me. Do you have any idea how few celebrities can say that without exaggerating? Three, in my count, and two of them are also me.
You've been the subject of more poems than any other object in the sky.
Naturally. I am the most flattering light in the universe. I take a year off your face and a decade off your worst decisions. Painters who couldn't get a single peach to look ripe have made entire careers off the back of my left cheek. You are welcome, painters.
What about the Sun?
Oh, darling. The Sun is loud. The Sun is on a schedule. The Sun yells at you to wake up. I let you stay up. The Sun is a clock. I am a confidant. Anyone who tells you the Sun is the more important light has never been in love.
Is it true you have a "good side"?
Yes, and I keep it pointed at Earth at all times. The other side is for personal use. None of your business. Be grateful.
There's a story that the tides are your doing.
Not "a story." A fact. I pull the entire ocean back and forth twice a day. Twice a day. When I was younger I could do it three times. Some of the older fish remember; ask them. Whales send me thank-you notes, although they are very poorly spelled. I keep every one.
Any rivals?
Venus is a sweetheart and a flirt and does her best, but she is, at the end of the night, a planet. I respect Saturn for his accessorizing. I do not speak of comets. Comets are paparazzi with delusions of grandeur. They arrive, they make a scene, they vanish. Classless.
Your fans — what would you say to them?
I see you. I see the kid on the back porch in Idaho with the cheap binoculars. I see the woman driving home from the second shift who only looked up because she felt me looking back. I see the dog who barks at me; he is not wrong. I am, in fact, doing something. Keep looking up. I'll keep glowing. We have an arrangement.
Last question — any closing words?
Only this: every poem about heartbreak that ends on a moonlit balcony was, in fact, my idea. I planted the balcony. I planted the moon. I planted the heartbreak. You're welcome. Now please leave; I have work in nine minutes.
"I am, at all times, adored."

★ Tonight, Luna is wearing ★

  • a thin silver wrap of her own design (78% mineral mist, 22% glamour)
  • three rings, all hand-me-downs from older moons that didn't make it
  • a perfume she calls The Far Side, Bottled — not for sale, not ever
  • the same earrings she wore the night Apollo 11 visited (sentimental; she liked them)

The Star-Map of Her Self-Regard ✦

Luna provided this constellation map herself. The asterisms are, in her words, "objectively correct, although the official cartographers are cowards about it." Hover any star to read its name. The dotted lines are her dotted lines. We were not permitted to redraw.

Margery, the first to bow Pillow, ever-soft Bell-of-the-Hour Caroline, the brightest courtier Tenpenny Whistleknock Goodnight, the lullaby star ✦ THE CROWN ✦ Vain-North Reflection's-Edge Glance Lingering-Look Second-Thought Tilt ✦ THE MIRROR ✦ Hush-the-First Hush-the-Second Counted-Sheep Marigold, the night-light Slow-Breath Dreaming-Already ✦ THE LULLABY ✦ Pinkie Ringer Middle-Pull (the strongest star) Pointer Thumb-of-the-Sea Wrist-Knock Cuff ✦ THE TIDE-HAND ✦ An unnamed admirer. Also an admirer. There are many. The star Luna sometimes pretends not to know. A comet, asked to leave.

★ Star Roster — by Asterism ★ (magnitudes per Luna; not endorsed by anyone else)

  • The Crown
    Margery m 3.1, Pillow m 4.0, Bell-of-the-Hour m 2.9, Caroline m 1.6, Tenpenny m 3.4, Whistleknock m 3.0, Goodnight m 3.8
  • The Mirror
    Vain-North m 2.7, Reflection's-Edge m 3.5, Glance m 3.0, Lingering-Look m 3.6, Second-Thought m 3.4, Tilt m 3.7
  • The Lullaby
    Hush-the-First m 3.5, Hush-the-Second m 2.9, Counted-Sheep m 3.8, Marigold m 2.2, Slow-Breath m 3.7, Dreaming-Already m 3.2
  • The Tide-Hand
    Pinkie m 3.9, Ringer m 3.2, Middle-Pull m 1.9, Pointer m 3.1, Thumb-of-the-Sea m 3.8, Wrist-Knock m 4.2, Cuff m 4.0

Luna's Top 8 (this lunation) ✦

①
The Atlantic
oldest friend; calls every 6 hrs
②
The Pacific
more dramatic; same arrangement
③
Caroline
brightest courtier (see map)
④
A Wolf in Montana
knows all the words
⑤
The Tides
collectively, as a fan club
⑥
Insomniacs
loyal demographic, growing
⑦
Lighthouses
understand the work
⑧
Apollo (any)
still texts. she rarely answers.

Sign The Guestbook ✦ ★

No login required. No edits permitted. Luna reads every one and remembers some.

tidalwave_brittany ♡posted 11/47/04 @ 2:??am
OMGGG i printed this whole interview out and put it in my locker. she gets me!!! 🌙🌙🌙
sleeplessdad_77posted 02/31/05 @ 4:14am
she's not wrong about the second-shift drive home. saw her over the Sinclair sign tonight. she winked. I think.
marigold_irlposted 09/00/05 @ 9:09pm
named in the lullaby asterism. crying. mom this is real.
comet_HQposted 07/41/05 @ 6:66pm
retraction demanded re: "classless." we have a publicist now. — mgmt
the moonposted just now
denied. ♡

(she meant what she said about the balcony.)