Anyway, folks — that was Bart from Pewaukee, who I think wanted to talk Brewers and ended up, I want to say, talking about ferrets? You hung in there, Bart. You hung in there. Listen, we got Hank on line two from West Allis, Hank's been on hold the entire commercial break, and Hank, I'm just gonna read it off the screen here, my producer's note says, quote, "he sounds like he's been driving around the block waiting to call." Buddy. The lines are lit up like the third of July. Go ahead.
HANK (W. ALLIS): Ricky. Ricky. Longtime, first time. Love the show. Love the show. I gotta tell you something, and I know up front it ain't sports, alright? I know that. But I gotta —
RICKY: Hank. Buddy. We're open phones. It's a free country and a free hour. The only rule is you can't say "pickleball" and you can't pitch me your nephew's band. Have at it.
HANK: Okay. Okay so. My wife — bless her, she's been on me about doing something cultural — she drags me Sunday out to Cudahy. Cudahy, Ricky. There's a building out there off Layton, looks like a dentist's office, used to be a dentist's office I think, and the sign out front says The Museum of Lost Keys. That's the name of it. The Museum. Of. Lost. Keys.
RICKY: A museum of —
HANK: Keys, Ricky. Lost keys. Other people's lost keys. I walk in, I'm thinking, alright, four keys in a case, little plaque, gift shop sells a postcard, we're out in twenty minutes, I'm back in time for the second half. Ricky. I am telling you. I have not been right since.
RICKY: Hank, what is the layout of this place. Paint me a picture.
HANK: Long flat drawers. Like a dentist's instruments. You pull 'em out and there's a key sitting on this little velvet bed with a tag. Tag says where it was found. "Found, parking lot of Schuster's Hardware, August 1967." "Found, storm drain, Greenfield Avenue, '94." "Found, between the cushions of a Greyhound bus seat, route from Madison to Iron Mountain, 1981, conductor said it'd been there a while." Each one of 'em, Ricky. Each one of 'em used to do something. And now they're in a drawer in Cudahy.
RICKY: How many we talking, Hank.
HANK: Nine thousand and forty-one. There's a counter at the front desk, ticks up when they take in a new one. Ricky, they got it stenciled on the wall in the main room. The big one. Gallery 2. I'm gonna read it to you. You ready? You sitting?
RICKY: I'm sitting, Hank. I am almost always sitting. Lay it on me.
HANK: Ricky. Ricky. What am I supposed to do with that. I come home, I sit in the truck in the driveway for forty-five minutes. Just sitting. My wife knocks on the window holding a casserole. I said Cathy — I said — I'm doin' some thinking, hon. Give me ten more.
RICKY: Hank.
HANK: And here's the thing, Ricky. The thing. They got one — and this is the one that's gonna kill me — they got one little brass house key, tiny thing, about so big — the tag says it was found in the pocket of a jacket donated to the Cudahy Rotary thrift, March of '03. Owner never claimed it. Ricky. Somebody put that key in a jacket pocket. Then they got rid of the jacket. They kept the key in the pocket. Why. Why would you do that.
RICKY: They forgot, Hank. They forgot it was in there. Occam's razor. The simplest explanation —
HANK: See you want it to be that. You want it to be that and tuck it in nice and have your coffee. But what if they didn't forget. What if they put it in the pocket on purpose because they couldn't bring themselves to throw it out but they also couldn't keep it. So they pushed it down the road. Made it somebody else's problem. And now it's in a drawer in Cudahy with a label and a little plastic sleeve, and people walk by and look at it and go "huh, neat." That's a key, Ricky. That used to open a door.
RICKY: Hank. Hank, listen to me. I gotta cut you off because we got a hard break at the bottom of the hour, but I need you to call back tomorrow night. We're gonna talk about the Bucks bench depth but we're also gonna check on you, my man. Deal?
HANK: Deal, Ricky. Deal. Deal. Hey — hey, one more thing — they got a wishing-jar at the gift shop. You drop a key in, you make a wish for whoever lost it. Doesn't have to be a real key. They got a bowl of extras. I dropped three.
RICKY: Three keys?
HANK: Three wishes, Ricky. Same key. They let you, you just gotta wait a second between.
RICKY: Hank. That's beautiful. That's actually beautiful. Stay on the line — Tony's gonna take your address, we're sending you a hat. The black one. Folks, that was Hank from West Allis, and we're gonna be a minute. Don't go anywhere.
RICKY: Alright, we're back. I'll be honest with you, that one's gonna sit with me. Tony in the booth is telling me he looked it up during the break — the place is real, it's open Thursday through Sunday, donation suggested, they take keys at the front desk no questions asked. So if you got a key in your junk drawer that you don't know what it opens anymore — and you know the one — apparently you got a place to put it now.
RICKY: We got a couple more callers, then post-game, then I'm gonna read a thing somebody emailed me about goalies that I think is gonna make some of you mad. Stay with us.
MARLENE (CUDAHY): Hi Ricky. I work the front desk at the museum. You wanna know about Hank? He's been in seven times since Sunday. Just stands in front of drawer 14-C. The little brass house key. Yesterday he asked if he could buy it. I told him we don't sell the collection — but if he comes Thursday at ten, our intake volunteer Edith is on, and Edith... she lets people leave a folded note in the sleeve next to a key. Just a few lines. Just to say something to the lock. We don't tell people that's allowed. It isn't. But Edith's been here since '79 and she knows what people are really doing in here. Tell Hank ten o'clock, Thursday. Tell him to bring a pencil.
— off-air feed · ricky's notebook · not broadcast —