📺 CH·13 LATE-NITE  ★  CINDERBROOK PUBLIC ACCESS ● LIVE   02:14 AM EST
ONLY $1995 + S&H
★ SPECIAL BULLETIN — DON'T CHANGE THAT DIAL ★

WE STILL
HAVE FLOATS

Hey there, friend — you up? Couldn't sleep? Neither could the Founders' Day Committee. We marched a whole parade down Linden Avenue this past Saturday and, well — it turns out the crowd was, uh, smaller than projected. But the floats? The floats are FINE. The kazoos are FINE. Carl the horse is fine. And right now, just for YOU, just for tonight —

★ CALL NOW: 1-800-555-MARCH ★ Operators standing by until 4 AM EST ★ Four (4) genuine attendees can't be wrong ★ Ask about the PARADE-IN-A-BOX™ Kit ★ Free shipping on orders over $40 ★ Cinderbrook: "Twice the Cobblestones, Half the Crowd" ★ Mayor Pim is taking calls personally tonight ★ The Sweepers are still here ★ Carl the Horse says hi ★ Esther B. is awake and writing notes ★
The St. Avis Junior High Marching Band performing flawlessly to an empty stretch of Linden Avenue between Maple and 5th. The trumpet section was, by all accounts, in tune. Look at them. Just look.
9:14 AM — sounding GREAT, fellas!
As Seen on Channel 13

The Parade-In-A-Box™ Kit

Friend, when the crowd doesn't come to the parade, WE BRING THE PARADE TO YOU. Picture it: it's a Tuesday. You're in your kitchen. You open a box. What's that I hear?

It's the Cinderbrook Senior Center Kazoo Brigade, captured live, on a real cassette tape. It's a hand-pressed program. It's a foil noisemaker. It's a half-cup of confetti, swept from the actual real-life route, by the actual real-life Sweepers.

Each box includes:

✓ One (1) commemorative laminated route map (unopened)
✓ A 90-min cassette: "The Parade Itself" — Side A: brass. Side B: kazoo.
✓ Twelve (12) feet of crepe streamer, terracotta & cream
✓ A signed photo of Mayor Pim atop Carl the Horse
✓ A bag of confetti (route-swept, hand-sorted by the Sweepers themselves)
✓ A handwritten thank-you note from Esther B., personalized
✓ Mystery Bonus Item (it's always a tuba reed)

Allow 6–10 weeks. We are not a fast people.

★ Tuned in tonight ★ 000000
that's already more eyeballs
than showed up Saturday, no offense
Operators Standing By
1-800-555-MARCH
(That's 1-800-555-62724)

Mayor Pim picks up the line personally after midnight.
Be kind — he's tired but proud.

The Parade · As It Actually Happened

Saturday, May 12 · 9:00 AM sharp · Linden Avenue, Cinderbrook · BREEZY

  1. Cinderbrook Senior Center Kazoo Brigade — gave it everything. Esther B. clapped both times they passed.
  2. Pickett & Sons Heating & Cooling — banner only this year. Their float (the "Comfortable Cloud") is in the shop.
  3. The Wandering Sons of Saint Avis — eleven members, four hymns, two complete strangers, in formation throughout.
  4. Cub Pack #181 — modified for low turnout. Marched in a tight rectangle. Den Mother very proud.
  5. The Wagon — empty this year on purpose. The Wagon represents possibility.
  6. Mayor Eldon Pim, atop a horse named Carl — both waved continuously.
  7. St. Avis Junior High Marching Band — TWENTY-NINE STRONG. Played "Stars & Stripes Forever" twice for the parking meter.
  8. The Float Formerly Known As "Welcome Spring" — now welcomes whatever season we're in. Don't ask. The crepe has been re-pulled too many times.
  9. Honeydew Floral Arrangement Float — sponsored by Honeydew Floral. Smelled incredible.
  10. The Cinderbrook Quilters Guild, pushing a cart — quilts visible from all four sides. Cart squeaked rhythmically. Possibly intentional.
  11. Big Earl from Big Earl's — walked in front of his own sign. Waved at the squirrel.
  12. The Junior Vocational Auxiliary — sang one song. It was lovely. Nobody is sure what it was.
  13. A Surprise Guest — turned out to be the wind.
  14. The Sweepers — always last, always proud. Carried EVERYTHING.
Total units: 14. Total minutes: 41. Total attendees: 4 humans, 2 dogs, 1 squirrel (strictly observational).
The Wandering Sons of Saint Avis, dressed sharp, ready as anybody. Hymnals were optional this year because nobody could find the box.
they came in formation. they LEFT in formation.
"I clapped for every unit. I clapped for the squirrel. I clapped for the Wagon. My hands hurt and I would do it again on TUESDAY." — Esther Brouwer, 71 · brought a folding chair AND her own snacks
"I was waiting for the 9:18 bus. I want to be clear about that. But I stayed. The bus came at 9:43 and I stayed for that too. It was nice." — Hal Crain · retired postal route 47
"I waved from the porch. I did not move from the porch. The porch IS the parade route as far as I'm concerned and I have lived on Linden since 1962." — Mavis Kentridge · 1404 Linden Ave (yes, that Mavis)

★ Lost & Found ★

  • one (1) ceremonial sash, XL, hardly used
  • a tuba reed, slightly damp
  • a laminated route map — never opened
  • two dog leashes (we have a theory)
  • one folding chair (claimed by Esther B., 9:47 AM)
  • a single peacock-style feather, probably the Quilters Guild
  • thirteen pages of "Stars & Stripes Forever"
  • a child's juice box — full, unopened, refrigerated since
  • one (1) hand-knit mitten, terracotta, left

★ BUT WAIT ★ THERE'S MORE!!

Order your Parade-In-A-Box™ in the next 11 minutes and we'll throw in a SECOND tuba reed, ABSOLUTELY FREE!! That's TWO REEDS. For the price of ONE REED. Friend — that is just MATH.

★ Order Form ★

Parade-In-A-Box™$19.95
Shipping & Handling$5.05
Goodwill Surcharge$0.00
TOTAL$25.00

Linden between 3rd and 4th, 9:22 AM. You can almost see Esther's elbow if you look at the porch on the right. The Wagon is just out of frame to the left. The wind, also out of frame.
a parade is just a thing that HAPPENS. attendance is OPTIONAL!

A Note From Carl

Carl is a horse and would like everyone to know he had a wonderful time. Carl ate seven apples that he was not supposed to eat. Carl regrets nothing. Carl is napping. — transcribed by Mayor Pim, with permission

A Word from Mayor Pim

Folks. Folks. I want to be honest with you, in the way only a small-town mayor on a late-night corkboard can: the parade was GREAT. The parade was, in my professional opinion as the elected face of this town, our best one yet.

Did people come? Friend, that is not the question. The QUESTION is — did the parade happen? And I am here, on Channel 13, at two-fourteen in the morning, to tell you: YES IT DID. It happened SO HARD. It happened along the WHOLE ROUTE. It happened in a SLIGHT BREEZE. It happened with FOURTEEN UNITS and a HORSE and a WAGON, and if a parade happens on Linden Avenue and four people see it, you'd BETTER BELIEVE THAT'S STILL A PARADE.

Next year. NEXT YEAR. Same route. Same kazoos. Possibly a second horse. Mark your calendars. We'll be here. We are always here.

— Mayor Eldon Pim
Cinderbrook, 4th term, technically unopposed

What the parade promised

  • "Confetti you can SEE FROM SPACE"
  • "Brass loud enough to wake the dead — gentle enough to wake YOU"
  • "More floats than last year (12)"
  • "At least ONE actual horse"
  • "A SURPRISE you will REMEMBER"
  • "Free pretzels (limit 1 per attendee)"
  • "Hand-waving from Mayor Pim, personally"
  • "A clean street by 11 AM"

Status: all delivered. Some unwitnessed but DELIVERED.

Final Tally · Pretzels

Pretzels prepared: 180.
Pretzels distributed: 4.
Pretzels eaten by Carl when nobody was looking: at least 11.
Remaining pretzels: in the freezer at Big Earl's. Inquire within.

The Cinderbrook Founders' Day Committee meets the second Tuesday of every month at the Linden Branch Library, basement room B. We are still looking for a treasurer. We have always been looking for a treasurer. Coffee provided; donuts negotiable.

Photos: Photo by Rohan Gangopadhyay on Unsplash · Photo by Pramod Tiwari on Unsplash · Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

★ other postings on the corkboard ★

we'll leave the porch light on