Vol. I · The Official Unofficial Visitor's Companion to
The Estate Sale of Aunt Vesper Quibley
(a 200-page fan-made guide. printed at Kwik-Kopy. they were so nice about it.)
page47 of 200

★★★ STEP 14 ★★★ APPROACHING THE PORCELAIN FROG VITRINE

OKAY. OKAY OKAY OKAY. you are about to enter the frog room and i need you to BREATHE. i need you to UNDERSTAND that what you are seeing is a 41-year collection assembled by a woman who once told a Greyhound bus driver, verbatim, "i am simply built different." this is not a yard sale. this is a PILGRIMAGE. if you cry it is normal. if you do not cry, ma'am, sir, friend, what are you DOING here.

Below: a strictly accurate diagram of the vitrine as of tuesday 7:14 am, before Cousin Devra rearranged it and we had to have A Discussion. 

   ___________________________________
  |   .--.       .--.        .--.    |
  |  (o  o)     (o  o)~     (o  -)   |
  |  /    \    /  ##  \     /    \   |
  | /______\  /__||||__\   /______\  |
  |  Brendo   Capt.Wet     "my little|
  |   -lyn      foot       freak"    |
  |___________________________________|
            [ glass. do NOT tap. ]
  1. 14.1  Approach from the LEFT. Brendolyn does not like to be snuck up on. yes she is ceramic. i said what i said.
  2. 14.2  Greet Captain Wetfoot. he is the one in the tiny crown. Aunt Vesper bought that crown at a kiosk in Reno in 1998 and the kiosk lady threw in a free Werther's. A FREE WERTHER'S. she remembered that for the rest of her life.
  3. 14.3  Do NOT, and i CANNOT stress this enough, do NOT call the third frog by his real name in public. Aunt V. called him "my little freak" and that is how he is listed in the will. legally. the lawyer FOUGHT us on this.
  4. 14.4  If a child asks if the frogs are for sale, smile sadly and say "they are for the right person." this is what Aunt Vesper would have done. she was MESSY like that. i love her.
  5. 14.5  do not under any circumstances let Uncle Mert near the vitrine. he is "just looking." he is NEVER just looking. last summer he "just looked" at a fondue set and we found a piece of it in his glovebox in OCTOBER.

⚠ MISTER PHLOX (cat, gray, 14 lbs, opinions) IS NOT FOR SALE. DO NOT ASK. HE WILL BE ATTENDING IN AN ADVISORY CAPACITY ONLY. ⚠

※ Pricing Tier Key ※

color-coded as best we could with the printer we had. the magenta ran out twice. (the printer was named "Cheryl." rest in power, Cheryl.)

TierMeansHow to ask about it
★ price as marked. firm. don't even. just pick it up and walk to me. eye contact optional but encouraged.
★ ★ price as marked. flexible if you have a STORY. tell me a thing about your grandma. i mean it. specifics.
★ ★ ★ HIGH stakes. needs Cousin Devra's blessing. Devra is the one in the orange visor. she is busy. she is ALWAYS busy.
NEGOTIABLE IF YOU CRY Vesper's words, not mine. legally binding (it isn't). tears must be REAL. we will know. she would have known.

♥ A Tip Jar (it's just a hat we found) ♥

drop a coin in vesper's hat

she used to keep her bus money in a felt cloche shaped like a strawberry. we are FORMALLY ACCEPTING TIPS on her behalf. tips fund nothing. tips are vibes only. the strawberry hat watches.

coins so far this visit: 0
no money changes hands. no link. the hat is metaphorical. the hat is ALSO in a box in the garage marked "DO NOT DONATE — sentimental."

↳ MARGINALIA (niece's notes, do not skip)

¹ i KNOW page 46 said "the frog room comes AFTER the teacup hallway." page 46 was wrong. page 46 was written at 2 a.m. and i forgive her. (i am her.)

² if anyone asks who compiled this manual, you may say "a niece." you may NOT say my @. i am trying to keep things PROFESSIONAL. i am wearing a blazer. it is Vesper's blazer. it smells like clove cigarettes and i am NOT OKAY.

³ the tea will be ready at 11. the tea is NOT for sale. the MUGS the tea is in are for sale. think about that.

⁴ CONTINUED ON PAGE 48 → "The Lampshade Situation (And Why It Is A Situation)."